Why Don't I Have Mom Friends?

I don't know!  I do have friends. No, honest I do!  Well I guess what I'm saying is, I don't have any "mom" friends locally.  Like, at my kid's school and stuff.  I suppose its hard to make friends just because I stand outside the school, every morning and engage in the briefest of idle chatter until the door opens.  I mean I am sociable! All of my friends are people who knew me before I had my babies.  Its making new ones I'm not very good at.

It really kind of hit me today because it is the last day of school for Big C and I've realized that I did not form one relationship with any of the parents at his school.  He is now taking karate classes, and after 2 months, again I've not really established any connections with anyone there.  This is going to trickle down to him sadly.  This will mean very few, if any play dates with his classmates over the summer break.

I'm feeling like a pretty sucky mom right now.  I know the issue is me.  Obviously.  I don't seem to have much in common with the other Moms.  I'm older than a lot of them and they have kids older than mine too.  So when they are talking about the kindergarten class at blankety blank elementary school, other moms will hop into the conversation because they also have kids there....and my oldest is only 4!  Perhaps I'm slowing down in my old age and just not as chatty with people as I once was.  I don't even make new friends in the circles I used to make them in all the time.  Times have changed, or perhaps, only I have.  Have you noticed that about yourself?  That say 10 years ago you'd have been social with anyone in an instant, but these days, it seems you have nothing else in common with people?

-MoM-

There Is A Rock In My Stomach

That is sort of what it felt like at first.  Then dread set in and finally a gnawing, unrelenting sorrow.  Followed up by a healthy dose of selfishness and chased back with a double shot of guilt.  Last week, Big C came out of his classroom with a paper in his hand.  A reminder about the Grandmother's Luncheon on Friday May 10th.  I froze at seeing it, then just put it out of my mind. I dropped him off on Friday and the board outside of the the classroom had a note about needing RSVP's for the lunch.  I had that sinking feeling again. Again, I shook my head and pushed it out of my mind.  Just because I felt compelled to do it...it is not a good idea.  It only comes back to haunt torment suffocate you later.

I picked him up that afternoon and he came bounding out of his classroom so excited to see me and bursting to tell me something.

"Guess what Mom?  We're gonna have a lunch!"

There came that feeling again. His teacher hurried out to hand him to yellow pieces of construction paper.  On the front of it, artwork done by him.  Little finger prints made into butterflies and bugs.  On the back, a white sheet of paper adhered to it.  It was an invitation.  Two of them.  One for each of his grandmothers.  He turned to take them from his teacher and his little face fell a bit as he said,

"I only have one grand mom."

She patted his little hand and said he could just keep one then.  I looked at her and my face must have had written what I was feeling all over it as she looked at me sympathetically.  I told her his grandmother lived in Oregon, and the other...was gone...passed away.  She asked if perhaps he had an aunt or other female relative who could bring him.  Again, his only aunt is across the country.  I told her I'd ask his Godmother if she could go with him.  The rock that was sitting in my stomach became heavier with each step toward the car.  Once inside he asked me if I was sad.  This kid misses nothing.  I told him that I was a little.  He asked me if it was because I missed my Mommy and I was barely able to choke out a simple "yes".

I suppose for me, it would be one thing if both of his grandmother's lived far away.  Perhaps I would handle it better.  They simply couldn't be here because of distance.  Not that they couldn't be here...ever.  But my mother will be gone 16 years next month.  She was too young to die.  She should have been able to see her only daughter get married and finally have babies for her to love and spoil.  And I feel like she was robbed of that. I know I know, that sounds so terrible to think that way.  But I can't help it.  I don't feel like this all the time.  Only when things like this come up and that pain is rubbed raw once again.

I did call is Godmother, who is busy with 4 babies of her own.  She was excited at being able to go with him, and my heart lifted that he wouldn't have to miss it.  Unfortunately one of her children has a field trip that she is chaperoning on the same day.  She was terribly disappointed.

Call me a baby, immature.  Tell me to suck it up and get over it if you want.  Roll your eyes and huff about how this won't be the last time.  Things like this are going to happen again and I just have to get used to it.  To that I simply say NO. No I will not.  I will never get used to my mother being dead.  Gone for me, no longer tangible.  I will not get used to seeing my son saddened by not ever being able to see, touch, speak to or hear his grandmother's voice.  A grandmother who so desperately waited for the day to come that she would see a grandchild.  I know I shouldn't let this get to me.  But I look at him playing, hear his sweet little voice and look at his precious smile and it just eats away at me.  It is unfair to him.  He doesn't understand why people die and why they can't just come back.  Other children might just dismiss it completely.  Big C is a very intuitive and sensitive child.  He notices things.  This will not be the last time, I know that.  But this time.  This very first time, it breaks my heart.  It sits as a stone in my belly, my heart sinking down to the same level.

Saddened as I am at this situation, I will not allow it to be a sorrowful experience for him.  So on that day, when school is over and the children meet up with their grandmothers, I will be picking him up and taking him to lunch.  Just he and I.  Little C is going to stay home with J & my Dad while Big C and I have this special day together.  After lunch, we are going to the movies and then if he isn't too tired, to the parlor for ice cream and to play a bit on the playground there.  Hopefully it will be a day he will be able to remember.  Not as the day he couldn't go to the Grandmothers Luncheon because one Grandma is far away and the other is dead, but a special day he spent with Mommy.  I have so many of those.  Days where my mom got me out of school early so we could go to lunch and a movie before my brother got out of school.  I can remember those days like they were yesterday.  She did the same with my brother while I was in school.  It was her way of showing us that we were special to her alone, in a way that only we as individuals could be.  She loved us both and treated us both equally, but always made sure we knew it separately as well.

Mom, help me to be half the Mother you have been.

-MoM-

Scream Free Parenting 101

I'm not teaching, I'm the student.  I stumbled across a book I bought for my Kindle app way back when Big C was just a wee infant.  Determined that I was going to rock this parenting thing and do everything right.  Then he began to grow up.  And I began to question what is *right*?  I starting realizing that there isn't a right way.  What works for one child, doesn't for another. So then what do you do?  When everyone says time outs are the answer but your child could care less, what do you do?

I know what I do did.

I yelled. Screamed. Made my frustrations verbal.  I was throwing a tantrum, at 37 years old because my child didn't listen to me.  My child is throwing a tantrum because I am not listening to him. Hmm, this is rather reciprocal isn't it?

I've also been discovering that what works with Big C, doesn't seem to work with Little C.  I need to get crafty about this.  The first step of changing how I'm parenting is to stop being a 37 year old toddler and yelling and screaming when things don't go my way and discover another method to get my children to respond favorably to my direction.  Not only that, but how to handle things rationally so I can then reprimand them in a way that will make then think about why it is being done.  Not just...'Mommy is yelling again.'

I've decided that I'm going to stop yelling and start listening to my kids. I am not going to scream at them.  Oh I will scream, but I am going to do my very best to make sure it is not AT them.  I will walk away, go into my room, the closet, outside and scream there.  Count until I get myself calm, then go address the situation.  I will ask them questions calmly, that way they are more apt to actually answer my questions.  If I scream "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" I will continue to get the same frightened answers of "I don't know". Not to mention it is embarrassing.  I do everything in my power to not yell at my children in public.  Why?  Because I don't want people looking at me like I am a bad mother or that I can't handle having a child?  Yes, that is part of it.  That and because I know I should be able to handle things in a mature manner.  So why shouldn't I employ that at home as well?  Why aren't I doing everything I can to not yell at them at home? Plus, I just don't want to be a screamo shrill mother.  I mean screamo is appropriate for some stuff, like Cradle of Filth.  But overall I'm not a big fan of screamo in my music choices.  Why should I be content with that kind of parenting? I'm not and I'm going to attempt to change it.

Will I have set backs and failures?  You betcha. Am I going to just lose my crap and go off. Mhmm, I will.  But I'm sure my children are going to appreciate my not doing it *every* time.  Will my children respond better to me?  I hope so.  I know 1 thing for sure.  Yelling and screaming doesn't get me results.  It doesn't work.  That is why I don't want to do it anymore.  Their little brains are so complex to me.  It's time I stop trying to hammer and ram the pieces of their puzzles into place.  Gently piecing and discovering the right pattern is my new goal.  I have a feeling they will fit much better that way.

-MoM-

~ 100 ~

One Hundred Things About Me -- For My 100th Post (in random order)

1. I'm baking a Jewish Apple cake while I type this.
2. I'm addicted to office supplies.  Mostly pens, clips and Post It notes.
3. My most favorite thing in the entire world is kisses from my children.
4. I hate clutter, but I keep finding it.
5. I love to read, but have dry spells that can go a year or more.
6. I prefer cake over pie.
7. I think I can't stand my brother, but I know that I really love him.
8. I don't have many friends. The ones I do have, I don't talk to as often as I'd like.
9. I procrastinate.
10. I miss breeding and showing dogs.
11. I sing songs to torment my kids, just like my Mom did to me.
12. My normal body temperature is 97.9° F.
13. I miss singing karaoke.
14. I love to cook & bake.
15. Watching Spongebob Squarepants is my dirty little secret.
16. I'm terrified that either of my children might get a fatal illness.
17. I know more about dinosaurs because of my son than I ever could have imagined.
18. I miss my Mom and wish she were here to watch the kids grow..
19. I have never been whale watching, but would like to someday.
20. I have had surgery 4 times. My right eye, right leg & ankle and 2 c-sections.
21. I used to have a flower garden.
22. My favorite color is Orange.
23. My children are my life.
24. I love the smell of puppy breath.
25. I wish I'd gotten my judges license.
26. My Mother was going to name me either Margaret, after her, or Heather, but chose Stacey instead.
27. I never learned to ice skate, and I really don't want to learn.
28. I love the sounds of the night in the country.
29. One day I'd like to see the Northern Lights.
30. I wish I could knock this house down and custom build its replacement.
31. I had a hard time choosing names for my children. If Big C was a girl, he would have been named Aurora Margaret. If Little C had been a boy, she would have been Nolan James.
32. I wish I could do carpentry and basic electrical stuff.
33. I still have a hard time believing K loves me as much as he does sometimes.
34. I miss wearing a watch.
35. I am a psycho mom, never letting my kids out of my sight.
36. I miss my Grandmother.
37. I wish I'd had more time with my Grandfather.  I have only a few warm wonderful memories of him.
38. K was my first love.
39. I appear super outgoing and chatty to people, but I'm really not.
40. I love the smell of cut grass.
41. My oldest friend is Shannon.
42. I rarely eat ice cream.
43. I look at pictures of my children when they were babies and cry being overwhelmed with love.
44. I am very conservative.
45. I hate onions, the texture not the taste.
46. I am afraid to die and leave my children motherless.
47. I just bought my first firearm.
48. It will be followed by more.
49. I can't stay up as late as I used too without suffering the consequences.
50. I have arthritis in my knees.
51. My favorite holiday is Halloween, I love doing the make-up.
52. I am a hard core soda drinker, mostly diet, but I want to kick the habit.
53. I have been cigarette free for 4 years.
54. I love snowballs.
55. I dissect my steak/meat before eating it.
56. I have never done illegal drugs.
57. I cannot have certain foods touching on my plate.
58. I have been out of school for 19 years.
59. I am not a cat person.
60. I am a great bubblegum blower.
61. As of today, I will be a Karate Mom.
62. My second favorite color is yellow.
63. I am a good listener.
64. Sometimes Christmas music makes me cry.
65. I love God, but don't always understand Him.
66. My favorite sounds are my children saying, "I Love You, Mommy"
67. I craved Ice Pops & snowballs when I was pregnant with both my children.
68. I am so tired of stinkbugs!
69. I sing in the car...loudly.
70. My favorite animal is the Elephant.
71. I like wide open, green places.
72. I am terrified of tornadoes.
73. I ♥ Doctor Who!
74. I am pretty sure I will always be a fan of Christopher Walken.
75. I miss K's father.
76. I rode an elephant once when I was a kid.
77. I have been on an airplane 2 times.
78. I have been to 12 of the continental United States.
79. I've been wiping butts for 4 years.
80. I was pregnant 18 out of 24 consecutive months.
81. I've assisted in C-Sections on my dogs.
82. I am working on being a scream-free parent.
83. I wish I were healthier and in better shape.
84. I'm working on it.
85. I love a gorgeous kitchen, too bad I don't have one.
86. The perfect temperature for me is 78° F
87. My blood pressure was once 223/109, I was in a lot of pain.
88. I am sucked into the show Black Orphan.
89. Labyrinth is still one of my favorite movies -- Little C's too now.
90. I only have 1 sibling, a brother, J.
91. Sometimes get baby rabies and want a 3rd child.
92. I am completely content with the 2 I have.
93. I am blessed to have K as my husband.
94. I wish K's family lived a bit closer to we could see them more often.
95. I used to wear acrylic nails, I don't anymore.
96. I haven't cut, colored or highlighted my hair in over 6 months.
97. I wear shoes until they get holes in them or fall apart.
98. I buy clothes once every few years.
99. My birthday is January 5th.
100. I'm addicted to carbohydrates and need to kick the habit.

It was so hard coming up with 100 things about myself. Easy to see I'm not a frequent blogger since it took me 4 years to get to 100 posts.  So here is to the next 100, eh?  Cheers!

-MoM-